


Jade Harley's Very Yaoi Marriage

by traceExcalibur



Series: Jade Harley's Very Yaoi Series [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Marriage, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-28
Updated: 2012-09-28
Packaged: 2017-11-15 04:46:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/523295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/traceExcalibur/pseuds/traceExcalibur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p></p><blockquote>
  <p> “I object to this marriage.” the MYSTERIOUS FIGURE says.<br/>Dave raises an eyebrow. Rose frowns. You nearly drop the ring in shock.<br/>“On what grounds?” Dave asks.<br/>“Because,” she says, “I love Rose too!” </p>
</blockquote><br/>In this sequel to the popular parody fic Jade Harley's Very Yaoi Life, Jade and Rose try to get married only to find their wedding crashed by Rose's not-so-secret second suitor, Kanaya. Hilarity ensues as this joke-filled fic lampoons yaoi cliches, bad characterization, fandom memes, and everything else under the Homestuck sun.
            </blockquote>





	Jade Harley's Very Yaoi Marriage

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to [Katie](http://katileer.tumblr.com/) for beta-ing the fic for me, and to [k8](http://kark8.tumblr.com/post/21746641191) for creating the Jade font I used!

As she walks down the red carpet escorted by her mother, your FIANCEE looks lovelier than ever you've seen her before. Rose's blonde hair is neatly tucked behind a dark purple headband, her lavender eyes shining. She is wearing a STUNNING BLACK TUX, with coattails trailing almost to the floor. She reaches the wedding arch, kisses her mother on the cheek, and steps beside you, smiling warmly.

“You look wonderful! Absolutely amazing!” you tell her, fighting tears of joy.

“The same is true for you, my dear.”

Your veil is WHITE AND SHIMMERING, trailing down your lengthy ebony hair, covering your back. The dress is WHITE AND POOFY, adorned with the same sort of glitter as the veil and reaching all the way down to your feet, and it makes you feel like a PRINCESS. You are wearing BEAUTIFUL RUBY SLIPPERS and STRIPED BLACK AND WHITE socks beneath it. Around your neck is a GOLDEN NECKLACE with two jewels inset in a galaxy-like shape; one jewel a shining emerald, the other a glistening amethyst. Your undergarments, though they cannot be seen, are a LACY, FLOWERY WHITE. Your gloves are ALSO WHITE. You are wearing PEARLY WHITE earrings. Nearly your entire outfit except for the aforementioned shoes, socks, and necklace is WHITE. You look so beautiful (AND WHITE) it's absurd!

“Thank you,” you say, and you wrap her up in a hug and kiss on the cheek.

The minister clears his throat, and you turn to look at him.

“I didn't know you were ordained.” Rose says, her gaze affixed on her brother with a shrewd smile.

“Told you I had a surprise prepared. It’s amazing what God lets you do if you just hit home as a big shot movie producer, isn't it?”

“I hardly think one movie counts, Dave.” Rose frowns. “And you've only barely crossed the threshold into adulthood. I don't know how you even _got_ that one onto the big screen.”

Dave shrugs. “Am I marrying you guys or not?”

You grin and nod your head feverishly. “You are! You definitely are!”

Rose's expression lightens. “You're beautiful when you smile,” she says, and you feel like you're going to burst with this...big...glowy, happy feeling in your stomach. You can't describe it, but it's like you just drank a glass of distilled love.

“Okay, ladies, sap time comes _after_ the rings go on. Now I got a buncha boring lines to recite, so let's get on with this shit. We're ridin' the matrimony train all the way to Kiss-The-Bride station, no stops.”

Beaming, you stand beside Rose as Dave recites a buncha boring lines. You really don't care about all of this _technical_ junk, you just want to kiss Rose while music plays and flower petals blow in the breeze and everyone cheers for you and _wow,_ that is so romantic! Maybe the audience doesn't think so, though, because a few of them seem to be falling asleep in their seats – Feferi even has her head hanging out over the back of her chair and she's snoring up a storm. Of course, Dave is doing his best to deliver his script in the boringest monotone he can manage, so that could be contributing.

**Jade: Get married.**

Eventually, though, you reach the point where you and Rose are to exchange WEDDING VOWS AND RINGS. You are so ridiculously excited, it's absolutely ridiculous how ridiculously excited you are!

“Now, one last thing...if anyone in the crowd's got their panties up in a bunch about this goddamned holiest of matrimonies, they'd better get right on the fuck up here and crash the wedding, like some kinda Owen Wilson impersonator hopped up on drugs and thinkin' he's living that movie.” Dave throws up his hands in a distinctly Kanye pose and looks at the crowd expectantly, as though he is waiting for someone to raise an objection.

“What did he just say?” you whisper to Rose under your breath.

“Speak now, or forever hold your peace.” she responds.

**Jade: Have someone crash your wedding, like some kind of Owen Wilson impersonator hopped up on drugs and thinking that he is living that movie.**

You don't expect anyone in the crowd to have any problems with the marriage; that, of course, means that A MYSTERIOUS FIGURE rises almost immediately and begins making her shaky way through the crowd. They seem stunned, staring at her as she pushes her way right up to the front of the aisles. Steeling herself, she stands straight – but still quite nervous – in front of you and Rose.

“I object to this marriage.” she says.

Dave raises an eyebrow. Rose frowns. You nearly drop the ring in shock.

“On what grounds?” Dave asks.

“Because,” says the MYSTERIOUS FIGURE, “I love Rose too!”

 

* * *

 

Your name is JADE HARLEY and you're about to propose to your GIRLFRIEND of four years. You have been almost inseparable since you started dating, somewhat to the consternation of your other friends, but you're sure they're okay with it! Who wouldn't be okay with two super cute girls being in super cute love? Only assholes, that's who.

You have spent weeks meticulously planning this date; the two of you together, eating a seafood dinner in one of the fanciest restaurants in the whole town. When the meal is finished, before dessert arrives, you have arranged for the restaurant speakers to start playing YOUR SONG, a title bestowed upon I DON’T WANT TO MISS A THING because it was playing on the day you had your first kiss! Well, your first real kiss, because all of the kisses you had before you realized you were totally in lesbians with her don't count. That's, like, a rule of kisses. It is in a book somewhere, you are sure of it.

The two of you make small talk, and finally, the golden hour approaches. Your Song begins playing, and the air is suddenly alive with the sound of Steven Tyler’s crooning.

“Jade, what—“ Rose asks, and you respond by getting down on one knee and pulling out a shining ring.

**Jade: Propose.**

“Rose,” you say, hands shaking, heart thudding in your chest, “Will you marry me?”

**Rose: Accept.**

Your name is ROSE LALONDE, and you are floored by the proposal. You love Jade with all your heart but you would never have expected this! Not from a girl who spends her days building weird gizmos and watching Squiddles! marathons on TV and giving you dog treats as a “romantic” gift (that one's a long story).

Still, because you love her with all your heart, you know exactly how to respond:

“Yes!”

Everybody in the restaurant (that is, some guy in a stuffy suit and an old lady who smells faintly of cats – it’s an off hour) claps for you. You will surely remember this moment forever.

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

**Years in the past, but actually only three weeks...**

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 11:43 --

EB: jade, i have great news!

GG: john i have great news!!!!!!! :D

EB: ...

GG: ...whoa that was really weird timing

GG: you go first

EB: no, ladies first. i am insisting, like any true gentleman would.

GG: ok fine

GG: the news is........................

GG: (drumroll please)

EB: *drumroll sounds*

GG: ..........................

GG: .................

GG: ..........

GG: .....

GG: ...

EB: *ok, the drummer is starting to get kind of tired over here*

GG: rose and i set the date for the wedding, we are getting married in three weeks!!!!! :D :D :D

EB: oh.

EB: uh, well fuck.

GG: :( ???

EB: oh, no, it's not that i'm not happy for you guys! i am totally stoked.

EB: it's just, i won't be able to attend.

GG: oh nooooooooo

GG: why???

EB: vriska won a trip to the bahamas from some online contest or something.

EB: it starts in just under two weeks, and lasts for two weeks, so...

EB: yeah.

GG: awww

EB: it's almost ridiculous how lucky that girl is, sometimes, you know?

EB: but...i guess in this case it is also kind of unlucky, because we are going to be missing your wedding. :(

GG: yeah.....

GG: i really wish you could come john!!

EB: oh, well. i'll get to see you two again soon enough.

EB: besides, i'm only like...your third best friend, right? i'm not at that important, i don't really need to be included or anything.

GG: :(

EB: no, really!

EB: i mean, this is all about you and rose. you're the big couple on display!

EB: psssssshhh, guys? who needs 'em, as long as the girls are kissing???

GG: are you sure you arent being sarcastic or trying to brush this off as nothing

EB: i'm not doing that, i promise.

EB: i don't really make a big deal out of stuff like this. shit happens, right?

EB: besides, i'm sure you guys will have plenty of hilarious wedding videos for me to watch when vriska and i get back.

EB: really the only bad part is i won't get to pull some sort of kickass prank at the wedding party!

GG: your pranking skills will certainly be missed....

GG: but have fun on your vacation john!! :D

EB: yeah, i totally will.

EB: have fun tying the knot. hope you don't end up hating her and getting a divorce in five years!

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 11:57 --

GG: .........dammit john :\

* * *

**Jade: Discuss the wedding.**

You find Rose in the dining room, brows furrowed, gaze alternating between a spread of magazines and her laptop. You’ve got a magazine of your own; this one happens to be full of the latest wedding fashions.

“How’s it going?” you ask, planting a kiss on her cheek and sitting beside her.

“It’s…going.” Rose says. “The art of wedding planning is weaved with string of a complexity far greater than I could ever imagine. I think I might hire someone to do it for us.”

You nod, and she continues, “What have you been doing, my sweet pumpkin pie?”

“I’ve been looking up pretty wedding dresses to wear,” you tell her, waving the magazine. “…are you sure you don’t want the matching Squiddle dresses?”

Rose chuckles. “When I jokingly suggested we eschew the traditional concept of marriage and refer to each other as 'tanglebuddies' instead, I wasn't expecting you to take me seriously. ...well, perhaps I was. It's one of your many adorable quirks.”

“Do I have any quirks that aren't adorable?” you ask her, tilting your head and flashing your buck teeth. She smiles.

“Well, you kick your legs in your sleep sometimes.” Rose sighs and crosses her legs subconsciously. “It's not such a shimmering example of cuteness when you get me in the crotch.”

You put your hands on your hips. She isn't getting away with this that easily! “Well, if you cuddled me closely enough, that wouldn't happen, now would it!”

“I suppose not,” she concedes. Victory!

You make your way over to the fridge and pop open a chilled can of orange juice. Dave got some endorsement deal with the Impudent Fruit Factory company for his new SBaHJ movie, and ever since then he's been up to his ass in cans of juice. He hoards all of the apple juice for himself – “that shit is a gift from my fuckin' god I tell you”, he tells you – but sends all of the other flavours out to his friends. So long as his endorsement stands, you will not want for juice in this household. Yum!

“Do we have a guest list put together?” Rose asks, as you sip your juice.

“Hmm…no, but it should be pretty easy, right? We already invited Dave and John, and we may as well just invite everyone else in our chumrolls and trollslums.” You start ticking names off your fingers. “Aradia, Tavros, Karkat, and so on…and, ugh, Eridan, I guess.”

Rose smiles. “Would you like to do the honour of sending out the invitations?”

“Sure!”

“Excellent. Ah, but let me invite Kanaya personally. She _is_ my best friend, after all.”

You frown, suddenly uneasy. “There won’t be any problems with…um, jealousy, will there?”

Rose seems shocked by the question. “Heavens, no! I suppose she might be saddened by the potential for a rift to form betwixt us as my time is further allotted to you, but…she’ll be fine. She’s my best friend! She wants what is best for me, I’m sure.”

You aren’t so sure, but if Rose says so, she must be right. You put the matter from your mind and start thinking about cute wedding dresses again. If only Rose had let you pick the Squiddle one…

 

* * *

**Years in the past, but...ok, just two weeks in the past:**

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 14:05 --

GG: hey karkat, just reminding you that the weddings in two weeks from now!!!

GG: make sure youre there on saturday, ok? <3

CG: YEAH, YEAH, OKAY. WHATEVER.

GG: is something wrong? i cant tell if youre being normal grumpy or extra grumpy right now

CG: LOOK, I KNOW YOU FUCKING LOVE HER, AND I EVEN HELPED YOU GET TOGETHER

CG: BUT

CG: I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED TO THAT FUCKASS

GG: karkat!!!! >:(

GG: can you tell me what was wrong with that sentence

CG: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

CG: UHHH

CG: OH. RIGHT. I FORGOT TO USE PUNCTUATION.

GG: ...aaaaaand?

CG: ...FUCK.

CG: ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO GO THERE? ARE WE REALLY DOING THE FUCKASS THING.

GG: yes we are!

GG: you know what weve said about overusing one word!! you have to diversify

CG: YOU WANT ME TO DIVERSIFY MY FUCKING INSULTS.

GG: yes!!!!

CG: OK, FINE.

CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED TO THAT

CG: THAT...

GG: try a butt insult

CG: GETTING MARRIED TO THAT BUTTMUNCH.

GG: there!!! thats better

GG: good boy :)

CG: WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT, SERIOUSLY.

GG: hmmmmmm

GG: nope

CG: FUCK YOU.

GG: >:( !!

CG: OH FOR THE LOVE OF…WOULD YOU STOP BEING A BLISTERING ASS PIMPLE FOR ONE SECOND, HARLEY?

GG: :D

GG: much better!!!

CG: UGH.

CG: OKAY, I HAVE HAD ABOUT AS MUCH OF YOUR FETID, CRAPSACCHARINE GARBAGE AS I CAN TAKE FOR ONE CONVERSATION.

CG: I WILL ATTEND YOUR WEDDING. CONSIDER THIS MY RVSP.

CG: THAT STANDS FOR ‘REAL VERY STUPID PROMISE’.

CG: SEE YOU LATER, SHITHEAD.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG] at 14:14 –

GG: “fetid crapsaccharine garbage”

GG: my little asshole is growing up

GG: im so proud :’)

* * *

**Jade: Be Rose.**

Channelling your magical space powers you activate your ultimate ability: NARRATIVE SWAP.

It is successful. You kind of tingle for a bit afterwards.

**Rose: Hit up the 7/11 with your other best galpal.**

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 14:16 --

TT: Kanaya.

TT: I have something to tell you.

TT: Would you mind meeting up with me somewhere?

GA: Certainly My Dear

GA: I Mean Friend

GA: Friend Is What I Mean Not Any Other More Romantic Term Of Endearment Because I Dont Love You

GA: That Was Not Meant As An Insult I Love You Rose But Not Love Love More Like That Lukewarm Happy Friendship Love Sort Of Feeling That One Can Sometimes Experience

GA: Does That Make Any Sense

TT: …right.

TT: Well, I friendship-love you too, Kanaya.

GA: Doki

GA: Er

GA: Where Do You Want To Meet Up

TT: Anywhere is fine.

GA: How About The Seven Eleven Near The Old High School I Am Told They Are Having A Special On Big Gulps This Weekend And I

GA: Gulp A Lot When I Am Around You

GA: So That Sounds Like A Fortuitous Sale And Equally Fortuitous Location For A Meeting

TT: A wise decision.

TT: I will rendezvous with you there, at exactly three o’ clock.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 14:21 --

 At exactly THREE O’ CLOCK, you arrive at the local SEVEN-ELEVEN to find Kanaya standing in front of it, waiting for you. When you spot her, you give her a smile and a wave, and she glows – both figuratively and literally.

She takes your hand – in a COMPLETELY FRIENDLY AND PLATONIC MANNER, of course! – and the two of you stroll into the store.

You walk up to the counter and make some snack purchases; you buy some wedge potatoes, and Kanaya spends ONE DOLLAR AND FORTY THREE CENTS after taxes on a BIG GULP soft drink. You feel like that number is important for some reason. The two of you take your meals over to the nearest table, and begin to eat. Partway through, you decide it’s time to tell Kanaya about the wedding.

**Rose: Drop the news bomb.**

“As you probably remember, as I stated in my text message to you, I have news of vast importance to relay,” you say. Kanaya tilts her head and takes a big gulp of her Big Gulp. “I'm getting married to Jade.”

 _Psssshhhh!!_ Just like in a cartoon, she sprays fruity spit all over you in shock. Unlike in a cartoon, you don't manage to clean it up with a single swipe of your hand. She lets out a barrage of apologies that seem to trip over each other as she speaks, coming out something like _SorrySorrySorryShitShitFuckshitSorry_ and practically throws a bundle of napkins at your face in her rush. You mop up the remains of her big Big Gulp gulp and crumple the napkins up, leaving them on the corner of the table.

“As I was saying before you assaulted me with a slushy artillery, Jade and I are now engaged. We will be tying the knot within weeks.”

**Kanaya: Try to handle the news well.**

_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_

**Rose: Continue.**

Kanaya doesn't seem to be handling the news very well. We'll come back to her later. For now, you continue to be Rose, and continue talking about your upcoming wedding.

“You are, of course, invited to our wedding. I hope you will attend.”

“Oh, y-yes, of course!” Kanaya chokes out. She seems kind of distressed. You wonder what's up? It's probably nothing wedding-ruining, at least.

“Is something wrong?” you ask her.

“Oh, I...just did not imagine you to be the sort who would desire marriage.”

“It was mostly Jade's idea. I did not care either way, as my deep connection to her has been forged regardless of some needless ancient tradition. But she insisted. She thinks it is cute to be married, apparently. And what sort of girlfriend would I be, were I not to indulge my love?”

Kanaya frowns slightly, as though trying to think of a good way to phrase her next sentence. “But it's not a good idea to indulge her too much. That would make her fat. Uh, metaphorically speaking.”

“Perhaps, but that would then give her love handles, and love is a wonderful thing, is it not?”

Kanaya starts stumbling over her words, trying to come up with a rebuttal. “Er…uh…but love backwards is ‘evol’, and that has a similar sound to the word ‘evil’, which would…um…okay, this is starting to sound rather ridiculous.”

“I’m glad you noticed,” you say, and you smile playfully. “In any case, while I suppose I must be careful not to go overboard in the indulgences, the wedding shall still continue. I hope to see you there, of course.”

“Oh, yes of course!” Kanaya says. “I would not dream of missing any occasion so important to you.”

You rummage around in your purse and pull out an invitation to the wedding, detailing the time and location. You hand it to her, press it into her palm, and squeeze her hand. She flushes a slight green.

“Thank you, Kanaya. I am truly blessed to have a friend such as yourself.”

She chuckles nervously and looks down at the table. “Yeah…just friends…” she whispers, as if only to herself.

 

* * *

 

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 16:02 –

TT: Dave, I’m just checking in as we make our final preparations: are you ready to attend the wedding?

TG: seven hells to the audacious yes im ready

TG: more than ready

TG: ive got some surprises planned theyre cloggin my sleeves like egberts shitty cards for his shittier card tricks

TG: surprises up the wazoo

TG: more shocking than a bucket o surprises

TG: hit me im a piñata a big awesome surprise filled piñata

TG: ole achacha or some spanish shit like that

TG: are piñatas even spanish they sound spanish

TG: spanish starts with an s you know what else starts with an s

TG: come on this is your turn to speak

TG: hey kiddies dave the explorers lookin at you

TG: four seconds of awkward silence on the childrens tv show while i stare at the camera and hope to fucking god you say something

TG: (this is your cue)

TT: Um.

TT: Surprise starts with an S?

TG: bing-fuckin-o you passed kindergarten words class

TG: high fives and a glittering sticker to the lucky lady

TT: Thank you?

TG: youre como welcome estas

TG: so

TG: yeah

TG: i guess the better question here is

TG: are you ready

TG: for the surprises

TG: bam

TT: How can they be surprises if I’m already prepared for them?

TG: uh

TG: i hadnt thought that far ahead yet

TT: Typical.

TG: but bottom line is yeah im ready for the wedding

TT: Good.

TT: Nearly all of the preparations on our end are complete, as well.

TT: Only a few moments ago I finished inviting everyone. Kanaya was the last on the list.

TT: She seemed to be acting rather odd, though.

TT: I cannot for the life of me place my finger on why.

TG: oh for fucks sake

TG: do you really not get it

TG: are we really going to go through this again

TT: What, exactly, am I supposed to be ‘getting’, Dave?

TG: here let me scroll back through my logs

TG: copypaste some choice shit from about four years ago

TT: You keep your chat logs from four years ago?

TG: you dont

TG: what kind of fucked up individual are you

TG: actually well diagnose that later i found the log i was looking for

TG: hang on to your hat cause here comes the truth bomb

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] sent tentacleTherapist [TT] the file “hilariouslog56_jadewants2bangu.txt” –

TT: Dave…

TG: ok i get it you dont have time to read the whole thing

TG: heres a snippet for you

> TG: she wants to tickle your pink
> 
> TG: you know
> 
> TG: grab some scissors from the cabinet
> 
> TG: go diving for pearls and come up smelling like rose
> 
> TG: make the beast with two backs and four boobs
> 
> TG: do the horizontal safety dance
> 
> TG: get on the lalonde
> 
> TG: she wants to fuck you is basically what im saying here

TG: yeah

TG: remember that

TG: im saying it again

TG: kanaya has a major fuckin crush on you

TT: Dave, I am ashamed of you!!

TT: Kanaya is a respectable woman and she would not keep her feelings bottled up like that.

TT: I should know that, as I am her best galpal.

TG: godDAMN you are dense

TG: fine

TG: whatever

TG: im not doing this i am NOT being romantic advice guy again

TG: just

TG: be prepared lalonde because i can sense the drama

TG: it is on the horizon

TG: take out ye looking glass and purvey

TT: That’s not the right term, Dave.

TG: who gives a flippin shit

TG: just look

TG: there is a crowd gathered

TG: riding their melodramatic horses of dismay

TG: and they are about to assault your castle of romantic happiness

TG: and

TG: fuck i dont know where is this metaphor going

TG: out

TG: thats where its going

TG: like me

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 16:19 –

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

**Years in the past, but really this joke is getting old because it’s only a few hours in the past at this point…**

Your name is KANAYA MARYAM, and like it or not, you’re attending Rose’s wedding. You’ve got no choice in the matter, really – it would hurt her terribly if her best friend didn’t show up. You will simply swallow your feelings and watch Rose marry the LOVE OF HER LIFE.

Who is not you.

And never will be.

…This is going to be harder than you thought.

**Kanaya: Greet Rose.**

You don’t arrive early, but it’s no matter, because they’re still trying to get everything set up. The wedding is going to take place in the middle of SKAIAN PARK, a lush checkered field in one of the nicest spots of the city. Tents are set up all over, some containing REFRESHMENTS, another containing the DANCE HALL, and even more are being erected as you walk amongst them. You spot Rose conversing with one of the caterers. The moment she notices you, she cuts off the conversation and rushes to greet you.

“Oh, Kanaya, you came! Preparations are behindhand, I’m afraid, no thanks to some dilatory workers, but that doesn’t matter. My beloved and I will be eternally pledged soon enough. Oh, I am so very excited, I could just kiss you on the lips platonically!”

Rose seems to be taking after her betrothed; Jade had a reputation for planting kisses on unsuspecting people, though the habit died down after she started dating Rose. Rose lunges towards you but your hand reaches her lips first, and you hold her back.

“I, uh, think maybe you should save the kisses for Jade.”

In truth, you desperately want her to kiss you, but know you cannot let her do it. Not again. On a day like this it would break your heart a thousand times over, as if…well, you can’t think of a suitable metaphor, but you pretend you did and then mentally congratulate yourself for your cleverness.

Rose begins wandering off and you follow her. The lawn is bustling with activity, from people carting massive cakes no doubt baked by John’s doting father and nanna, to trolls arguing over which colour balloons should go where, and how best to arrange the flowers, to a man with a guitar strumming a few bars and humming to himself.

Rose approaches him, and the man introduces himself as MICHAEL GUY BOWMAN; Rose explains that she hired him as a WEDDING SINGER.

“I’m very pleased to be here on behalf of What Pumpkin Studios and the esteemed autho—I mean, president, Mr. Hussie.”

You shake his hand, wearing a vapid smile, but he doesn’t particularly interest you. Nothing here does, except for a certain blonde-haired woman. You wish you could just get your mind off Rose and enjoy the festivities, but it seems impossible. Rose’s face just won’t go away when you close your eyes, and when you open them – oh! Where did she go? She was here just a moment ago.

You swing your head around wildly and spot her across the field arguing with her mother. “No, I did _not_ knock her up!” Rose protests to her apparently disappointed mother. You decide to leave them be.

**Kanaya: Be hit on by a desperate fish troll.**

Underneath one of the many tents set up by the wedding organizers, music is blaring and people are shuffling around. You head toward it, curious, and are nearly knocked over by Jade in the process.

“Sorry, Kanaya!” she shouts, already hurrying off. “Enjoy the dancing! I started it early so nobody would have to wait while everything else is set up!”

You can barely catch the end of her sentence between the dance music and her rapidly retreating voice. Shrugging, you head for the dance floor, and immediately find yourself regretting the decision.

ERIDAN AMPORA waltzes up to you with a drink in his hand and a smarmy grin plastered on his fishy face. He looks like he's already downed a few glasses. Oh, boy. You don't mind humouring him once in a while – though he certainly isn't your favourite troll – but you hate being around him when he's drunk or in a foul mood. He nearly trips on the approach, throwing out a hand to steady himself, and somehow he manages to turn it into a smooth arm-over-your-shoulder manoeuvre. You're less than impressed.

“Hey Kan, you w-wanna join me on the floor for some dancin'?”

You gently extricate yourself from his grasp and cross your arms. “I had thought you would ask Feferi first.”

“Yeah, w-well, fuck her, an' fuck her good, 'cause she's dancin' w-with some other fuckin' asshole.” Eridan says, and then he mumbles something about her that you don't quite catch, but you're pretty sure if Feferi heard it she'd vow never to dance with him again.

“Anyw-way, you look pretty fuckin' free right now, an' if you don't need 'a be w-wooed by the dancin', w-we can skip straight ta makin' out.” His lip quivers for a moment. Ugh, not again... “An'...an' w-well, if you w-wanna be my girlfriend...w-well, it ain't like I'm _desperate_ or anythin', but...”

You sigh. “Have I not made it clear enough that I am a lesbian?”

The look he gives you manages to surpass blank and move straight into stupid. “A w-what?”

“A girl who is only attracted to girls. I have explained this human term to you more than once.”

Eridan scoffs. “Pfff, w-what fuckin' ev-ver. That ain't anythin' that anyone is, if they're a troll. All trolls are inta either gender an' you ain't some special snow-wflake, so get ov-ver yourself an' start fuckin' guys already!” He even has the nerve to put his hands on his hips indignantly, as though it is a crime to humanity that your hands aren't already down his pants.

Perhaps he is too drunk to notice your SOUR EXPRESSION, or the sudden ABSOLUTE-ZERO CHILL in the atmosphere, because he doesn't immediately fall to his knees and grovel at your feet. His loss. With surgical precision, you take your lipstick from your pocket, gloss over your lips, and let a finger “slip” on the WEAPON DUALING button as you finish. Eridan finds himself on the wrong end of a very loud, very dangerous-looking chainsaw. Finally he gets the hint; he lets out a pathetic “ _w-weh_ ” and skedaddles before you move it any closer to his gut. You're pretty sure he's just going to go beg some other girl for attention, but at least he's out of your hair. For a while.

You find a chair and sit there, drinking punch alone, like the TOTAL WALLFLOWER you are destined to spend your whole life being. Seconds turn to minutes, minutes to…well, it hasn’t been an hour, so minutes turn to…small groups of minutes, you suppose. Shouldn’t there be a way to break hours into denominations larger than minutes? Maybe you could use dozens? Somebody should invent a term that means ‘a dozen minutes’, that would be helpful. The point is, about three quarters of an hour passes in a slightly more poetic way than simply saying “three quarters of an hour passes”, and then the wedding is ready to begin.

**Kanaya: Watch your beloved marry another girl.**

You join the crowd as they shuffle into the rows upon rows of seats overlooking the wedding arch. Piano music begins playing off in the distance as Jade – looking ravishing in her white dress, you must admit – walks down the aisle alongside her grandfather. Rose and her mother follow them, Rose looking stunning in a black tuxedo…wait a second. Isn’t the one in the tux supposed to go first? You begin to suspect that nobody here actually knows how a wedding works. Or maybe they just don’t care.

Dave begins droning on and on, reciting whatever boring text is required for a wedding. You begin to phase his voice out, nearly nodding off a few times. When you come to your senses, the crowd is whispering amongst themselves, looking rather anxious, and it seems the BIG MOMENT is going to arrive shortly.

“It sure w-would suck if someone in th’ crow-wd w-was in lov-ve w-with one a’ them, ‘cause if I w-was, I’d be feelin’ pretty fuckin’ hopeless right now-w!” Eridan says from somewhere nearby, too loud for your liking.

But the drunken asshole is right. It _is_ hopeless. You will never, ever be with your one, true love…

**Kanaya: Be suddenly possessed by the urge to do something ridiculously melodramatic.**

You tune back in to Dave’s droning to find he is reciting his variation on the “speak now or forever hold your peace” line, and you realize that you cannot hold your peace. You can’t watch your beloved Rose marry another woman. You can’t let this go on, you _can’t_ let them tear your heart in two like this! It’s now or never. You _have_ to do this.

You rise to your feet, and begin making your shaky way through the crowd. They seem stunned, staring at you as you push your way right up to the front of the aisles, trembling all the while. Steeling yourself, you stand straight – but still quite nervous – in front of Jade and your beloved Rose.

“I object to this marriage.” you say.

Dave raises an eyebrow. Rose frowns. Jade seems most shaken of all.

“On what grounds?” Dave asks.

“Because,” you say, swallowing a gulp, “I love Rose too.”

There is a moment of stunned silence, and then ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. Rose sinks to her knees in shock, while Dave’s expression twists into a sour smirk. Jade marches towards you, fire burning behind her green eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell anyone sooner!!” she shouts, and you shrink back. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, coming up here _now_ of all times?!”

“Well, I…I—“

“You _what?_ What the hell were you trying to accomplish!”

In truth, you don’t really know what you were hoping would happen, but this certainly wasn’t it. You don’t think you’ve ever seen Jade this angry before. She even calls you a—well, you don’t really want to think about it any longer. You can’t imagine this getting any worse…and then Rose speaks.

“Kanaya, _why?_ ”

The pain in her voice is palpable, tears streaming down her cheeks as she kneels on the ground. You can’t bear to see what you’ve done to her; with Jade shouting obscenities behind you, you turn tail and run as fast and as far as you can.

 

* * *

**Jade: Be absolutely furious.**

_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHHHHHH_

**Jade: Calm down.**

_NO_

**Jade: Ok, just skip to the part where you've calmed down.**

You skip to the day after the wedding.

Kanaya couldn't _actually_ stop the wedding from proceeding, of course, but you would have felt terrible if you went ahead and married Rose knowing that you were not her only suitor. Sure, you two are totally in love and that isn't changing any time soon, but...it still isn't right to trample all over Kanaya's feelings. Lousy goddamn stupid friend, making you care about her like that. Where does she get the nerve?

You were really pissed at the time, and said some rather...regrettable things to Kanaya. Nothing that can't be fixed with a SINCERE AND HEARTFELT APOLOGY, of course, but...do you even want to apologize? Does she even deserve it?

Bluhhhh, you don't know. You don't even feel angry anymore, just...sad and confused. How can you marry Rose now? How can you even be _with_ her whenever you're in Kanaya's presence, knowing that she would be stabbed with pangs of jealousy and heartbreak? It isn't right for Kanaya to have forced you to feel this way, but it isn't right that she is heartbroken, either. Nobody wins.

You glance over at the row of plants that dot the window of your room. “What should I do, Selma?” you ask your favourite fern. Unfortunately, she doesn't respond, as plants don't have mouths. Poor, inarticulate Selma... You name all of your plants, except for the ones that are assholes. Asshole plants don't deserve names.

Footsteps in the hallway interrupt your thoughts. “Jade, my shimmering starlet?” Rose calls softly, and then she steps into the room. She's always coming up with flowery, lovey-dovey names for you. Usually, you love them. Right now it just hurts to hear it. “Are you alright? Can we talk?”

You nod your head. “Yeah, come in.”

**Jade: Discuss things with Rose.**

“So.” Rose begins, sitting down on your bed and assuming the posture of a psychoanalyst. “So,” she repeats, apparently at a loss for something more intelligent.

You fill in the unasked question: “So what are we going to do? Are we…gonna try getting married again?”

“Of course…I mean, I think that is the reasonable course of action, but…”

“But you don’t want to hurt Kanaya.”

Rose sighs and looks out your window, wistfully.

“Truly, I love you, and wish to spend my remaining days with you. But Kanaya is my best friend, and the pangs of unrequited love she feels for me are the same pangs I felt for you, those many years ago. To see her hurt would pierce the very essence of my soul with a million tiny, sharp needles of distilled pain, and cause tears to gush forth from my ocular orbs like a waterfall of terrible sadness.”

Sooooooo poetic! She really is the perfect girlfriend. But now is not the time to swoon over her. You have a problem to solve!

“I know what you mean, and...I guess I feel the same. Even though I don't want to forgive her for ruining our wedding, I understand how she feels. What do we do?” you ask.

“The both of us would feel terribly guilty if the wedding were to proceed, so it cannot. And of course, I cannot simply run off to be with her.”

You nod your head. “Of course! So...what else is there?”

“There is...another solution.” Rose says, after a long pause. “If we can make it work, it would solve all of our problems.”

You perk up. “What is it?” you ask, and Rose smiles.

 

* * *

**Rose: Be the envoy of good will.**

It has fallen to you to bring your CHEERY TIDINGS to Kanaya, who most certainly needs them. Word around town is that she’s been an ABSOLUTE MESS since crashing the wedding yesterday, and you don’t blame her. It was a disaster. She fucked up worse than…hm, you can’t think of a suitably flowery and lengthy metaphor today. Something about Mitt Romney, maybe?

She fucked it up like Mitt Romney doesn’t know how airplanes work.

_Perfect._

Kanaya lives with her mother in a large house near the town’s FASHION DISTRICT. It makes sense, as Kanaya’s mother designs clothes when she’s not busy waging her FURIOUS WAR FOR WOMEN’S RIGHTS. You admire that woman so much. Sometimes, you catch yourself wishing that she were your mother instead of the drunken, passive-aggressive bitch you were saddled with. But Kanaya’s mom never bought her a pony, so there’s that.

Kanaya’s house comes into view beyond a row of smaller suburban dwellings as you near her street. You can actually _hear_ Kanaya crying and blasting music in her room, and you’re still an entire block away.

This could be bad.

**Kanaya: Grieve.**

You CANNOT BELIEVE how much you fucked that up. There’s probably some kind of POLITICAL METAPHOR that could PROPERLY QUANTIFY the magnitude of your colossal fuckup. Rose and Jade surely both hate you, and you will never be able to even be friends with the girl you love, and everybody must think you are a massive drama queen. You have only one choice: LOCK YOURSELF IN YOUR ROOM AND NEVER COME OUT, EVER. That’s reasonable, right?

You throw yourself onto your bed, hang your head, and cry. The heartbroken tears fall freely, splattering your formerly beautiful dress with watery, mint shades. Linkin Park music blasts in your stereo, reverberating around your room. At least Mike Shinoda understands your pain. All of his lyrics just _speak_ to you. He is a comforting embrace in these dark times.

**Be Kanaya’s doorbell.**

You are now KANAYA’S DOORBELL.

You are a faithful doorbell. You ring when your button is struck, and you have never failed to alert the inhabitants of this house to a visitor. Oh! Here comes a visitor now! It’s that blonde woman that shows up a lot. She’s about to press you! Oh, this is your favourite part. You brace yourself for the impact.

**Kanaya's doorbell: Ring.**

The blonde woman pushes your button and you let out a _dingdong!!_ with such furious intensity, you ascend to the next tier of your echeladder: BELL'S ANGEL. Your mother must be so proud of you.

**Kanaya: Answer.**

Reluctantly, you turn down your music, wipe your tears away, and head to answer the door. Rose is waiting on your front step, her expression unreadable.

 _I WON’T WASTE MYSELF ON YOUUUUUUUUU,_ Chester Bennington sings from the other room. Shut up, Chester.

“Kanaya, I’ve come as an envoy of good will, and bring a simple message: Jade and I have found it in our hearts to bury the proverbial hatchet, as it were, and offer you the forgiveness that we are certain you desire, as any grieving woman would.”

What a load of crock. There’s no way they are actually going to forgive you, not after you completely ruined their wedding for such selfish reasons.

“Spare me your human sarcasm. I already feel terrible enough as it is.”

Rose frowns. “Kanaya, I’m not being sarcastic,” she says, and she moves to place a hand on your shoulder.

You cannot accept it. “What I’ve done…is nothing that can be forgiven,” you say, and you run for your room with tears trailing behind you. You slam the door behind you and turn your music up to full blast.

_SO LET MERCY COOOOME_

_AND WAAAAASH AWAAAAAAY_

_WHAAAAAT I’VE DOOOOOOOONE_

Well said, Chester.

**Rose: Console the shit out of Kanaya.**

She’s locked herself in her room blasting Linkin Park music. This is bad. You are going to have to go full-tilt and PUNCH HER IN THE FACE with a FIST FULL OF COMFORT. Metaphorically speaking, that is. You’re not actually going to punch her, no matter how cathartic it might be for the both of you.

You head towards Kanaya’s room and knock on the door, to no response. You can’t hear anything over the muffled sound of the music; the lead singer is prattling on about how hard he tried and how far he got, only for it to not even matter in the end. You try knocking again.

“Go away! _You could never understand me!_ ” Kanaya shouts.

“Kanaya…”

There is a moment’s pause.

“…I didn’t mean that,” she says sheepishly. “With the music playing it just seemed like the thing to shout at the time.”

“Are you going to open the door?” you ask.

There is another pause, and then she shuts the stereo off mid-song. You never find out just how numb poor Chester has become. The handle turns and the door slowly creaks open. Kanaya meekly nods in welcome as you enter, and seats herself on the bed.

**Rose: Examine.**

Is now really the time for that?

**Rose: Examine!!**

Ok, ok, fine. You examine Kanaya, and to be frank, she’s a TOTAL MESS. She’s staring off into the corner of the room, unable to look you in the eye. Her eyes and cheeks are PUFFY and TEAR-STAINED, and her clothing is WRINKLED and MUSSED UP, one end of her shirt hanging off her shoulder. The room is in no better condition – her lamp is lying cracked on the floor, suggesting that she’s already passed the “anger” stage of grief according to the Kübler-Ross model. (You’ve studied it extensively!) And since she’s looking pretty depressed right now, that means the next stage is…

“Rose, I have come to accept that you hate me forever, and want me out of your life. I sincerely hope that you and Jade are very happy together.”

Fuck you, Kübler-Ross.

You place a consoling hand on Kanaya’s shoulder and smile at her, trying to coax her gaze towards yours with little success.

“We don’t hate you forever, Kan. I am being entirely veracious when I say that we still want you as a friend.”

Kanaya sniffs. “Really?”

“Of course. I know what it’s like to love someone for years, without them noticing…and, I know I have previously been guilty of not noticing someone’s affections for me, too. I know the pain you’re feeling, and I would not wish it upon anyone.”

“But that doesn’t change what I did. It doesn’t change whipping bugwinged fuckall about what I did! I hurt you and Jade a lot, for selfish, stupid reasons.”

“You’re right. You did. So if you could apologize to Jade right now – and to me, since I really am here – what would you say?”

**Kanaya: Apologize profusely.**

What would you say?

Probably something like SORRY SORRY SORRY, repeated dozens upon dozens of times in font that slowly gains _ITALICS_ , **BOLDFACE** , and UNDERLINING.

But that doesn’t really get across the VALUABLE MORAL LESSON you have learned, and _that_ is the most important thing to equivocate.

…that’s the right word, right? You think it’s the right word.

“Jade,” you begin, your voice shaky, “Well, Jade, and Rose, but mostly I am going to address this to Jade if that is okay…I am so, so sorry for what I did. It was rude and selfish. I let my love for Rose interfere with your love for her. I should have told the two of you how I felt in private, and we could have worked out our issues, and all of this could have been avoided, and basically I should have done the thing most easily classified as mature instead of the immature and emotionally-charged thing that I did, which caused everything to devolve into a putrid sobbing mess, and basically end up completely horrible, in every possible—“

“Kanaya,” Jade says, stepping into your room from the hallway. “You’re rambling.”

Oh _fuck,_ she was there the entire time? What is this, some kind of sappy teen drama?

**Kanaya: Apologize even more profusely.**

_SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORR—_

“Kanaya, you don’t have to do that!” Jade says, giggling, and you realize you were speaking out loud. Her bright smile is pretty infectious, and you can’t help but smile back. “I accept your apology.”

“We both do,” adds Rose.

“And, um, I’m sorry for calling you a—“

“We both are!” Rose interjects.

“But why? I ruined everything!”

“We can have another wedding,” Jade says. “I love parties! And the expense was never really a problem.”

Rose chimes in with an: “Is there _anything_ we do that’s _not_ having rich parents?”

“The point is, you are our friend, and we care about you a lot, Kanaya. As much as we want to be happy together, we can’t do it if it will make you sad.”

You shake your head. They can’t call off the marriage entirely! That would only make you feel more terrible.

“Please, don’t worry about me.” you say, choking back tears. “I can carry on, and get over my silly crush, even if it did last eight years.”

Rose raises an eyebrow, but says nothing.

“I want the two of you to be happy together, so…”

“So we came up with a third solution!” Jade says, beaming. “And it’s like, the best possible solution ever!”

You furrow your brows in confusion as Jade and Rose both kneel before you, faces bright with smiles. Jade rummages around in a pocket and retrieves a small, nondescript box, and when she opens it, a beautiful emerald ring glimmers inside...

No, it’s not possible, there’s no way they’re going to—

“Kanaya,” they say in unison, “will you marry us?”

**Kanaya: Swoon.**

Your knees give out and you topple to the ground; they quickly rush forth to support you, letting you rest in their arms. You don't deserve this, you definitely don't, not after all of the trouble you've caused them...you find yourself crying into Rose's chest, unsure whether happiness or distress brings the tears spilling forth.

“I will!” You choke out between shuddering gasps. “I would...I'd love to!”

“Then you’d better stop moping around and get up,” Jade says, grinning. “Because we’ve got a wedding to plan!”

 

* * *

 

 

 

* * *

**Jade: Get married, for real.**

As they walk down the red carpet escorted by their respective parents, your fiancees look lovelier than ever you've seen them before. Rose is wearing the same STUNNING BLACK TUX she was wearing the last time you tried marrying her, and now you are wearing a tuxedo too – after all, you already got your turn in a wedding dress! This time, Kanaya is the one wearing a beautiful white gown.

Her veil is WHITE AND SHIMMERING, trailing down her medium-length ebony hair, covering her back. The dress is WHITE AND POOFY, adorned with the same sort of glitter as the veil and reaching all the way down to her feet, and it makes her look like a PRINCESS. She is wearing BEAUTIFUL JADE SLIPPERS and STRIPED BLACK…hang on a moment. Kanaya’s outfit looks almost exactly like the one _you_ wore a week ago! Whew, you’re glad you chose the tux this time. Wouldn’t it have been _so_ embarrassing if you both showed up at your wedding wearing the _same_ dress?

Kanaya and Rose arrive beside you and say their farewells to their parents. Rose’s mom is crying – “Two girls in a week, my baby is so popular!” – and Rose has to gently brush away the tears as Rose’s mother drunkenly stumbles for her seat. Kanaya’s mother stands tall, with much grace and dignity. She nods her head to you and Rose, and then flashes Kanaya a thumbs up. “Fuck the patriarchy!”

Kanaya’s mom takes her seat and crosses her legs, smiling serenely. You look out to the crowd and your friends are all applauding; Feferi wipes a tear from her eye and Eridan produces a handkerchief from nowhere, hoping to comfort her. Karkat is frowning, but it's a kind of smiley sort of frown, so you think he's happy. John and Vriska are cheering for you; they were just barely able to make it back for the re-do wedding. It looks like they haven't even had a chance to stop at home yet, and Vriska is bogged down with the eight suitcases full of money that she won at the cruise casino.

Dave clears his throat and the three of you turn to look at him.

“I trust you're aware that a marriage between three girls won't actually be legal according to state law, and trust you've mastered the delicate art of not giving a shit.”

Rose nods. “Indeed.”

“Ok, good. So since I already went through all of the boring shit last time, this time we're gonna pull a Spaceballs and do the condensed version. Unless you prefer I do a freestyle rap inspired by wedding motifs--”

“The condensed version is fine.” Kanaya says, and she adds, “Please.”

“Right.” says Dave, the disappointment visible in his expression. He turns to you. “Do you?”

 “I do!” you say, smiling at your two brides.

“Do you?” he asks of Rose, and she says she does. Kanaya chimes in with her own 'I do', and Dave claps his hands together.

“You're motherfuckin' married, congrats.” He does a showy pirouette off of the platform and lands on his feet. “If you like it, put a ring on it, brides may now kiss, etc etc. You need me, I'll be at the buffet.” He gives the three of you a nod and a parting wave, and then breezes off with his hands in his pockets.

“I don't think two weddings in a week were very congruent to his wishes,” Rose observes. “Or maybe he's just jealous.”

You giggle. Your grin won't stop getting bigger. “He's got a lot to be jealous of!”

“Quite true,” Kanaya nods, and after a quick pause: “Uh, how are three of us going to kiss all at once?”

“Don't be silly! We can take turns!” you say. “But Rose and I were engaged longer, so I get first go, okay?”

“I guess that's one concession I can make.”

**Jade: Finish it with a kiss!**

You step towards Rose. She is beautiful, more so than ever before. Your dazzling emerald eyes meet Rose's brilliant lavender orbs; your hands meet her hips, your lips, hers. As the kiss begins, yours and Rose's SIGNATURE SONG is supposed to play, and surely enough...

_BUSTIN' BUSTIN' BUSTIN' BUSTIN' BUSTIN' MAKES ME FEEEEEL GOOOOOD~_

...the wrong song plays. John shouts “Gotcha!” in the background, and Vriska and Feferi start whooping. You can feel Rose furrow her brows, but she does not let go.

_BA-BA-BUSTIN'...BABABABABABABABUSTIN'_

Oh well, you muse, it could be much worse. Your lips are pressed tight to Rose's and your entire body is tingling with excitement and you've got _two_ hot wives instead of one now! You and Kanaya are going to have some issues to work out, but you are certain that a happy ending lies down this road.

_FEEL-FEEL-FEEL-FEEL gud-gud-gud-gud FEEL-FEEL-FEEL-FEEL bustin makes me FEEL GOOD_

You and Rose finally release each other. She takes a moment to gather her breath, blushing and smiling. “Stupidly sentimental as it may seem, I think marriage enhances the feeling. Care to test, Kanaya?” Kanaya nods, and soon the two of them are embracing. Admittedly, you feel a little rumble of jealousy, but you tell it to go fuck itself.

_BUSTIN' MAKES ME FEEEE~EEEEEL GOOD_

Rose and Kanaya finish their kiss, and then Kanaya turns to you. She holds her hand – now decorated with a beautiful ring – out to you. You smile and accept it, and you pull her in for a kiss. Your arms wrap around her, your lips touch, and boy does it

_~*~FEEL GOOD~*~_

 

 

**THE END**

[Epilogue: As the honeymoon begins, you pull Rose and Kanaya into a fancy hotel room and fuck the living daylights out of them. That’s _still_ what you’re supposed to do at the end of fics like this, right??]


End file.
